Existence

I'm lost. I'm a wanderer simply looking for love and happiness.

Wanna watch this fast? 

You know what’s funny? Waiting. 

Waiting for the texts

Waiting for a calls

Waiting for one more late night

Waiting for one more 4am

Waiting for one more time those headlights shine up my driveway

Waiting for the moment they turn around

Waiting for the moment they realize

Waiting, waiting, waiting…

Thursday April 24, 2014

It’s kind of difficult being friends with your ex when you still have some feelings. 

There’s a reason I don’t like roller coasters.

March 26, 2014.

It’s funny. Through all of this I always thought you’d be mine. I thought every time it didn’t last with one girl or another and you looked for me that each time would be the last time. That you would finally listen to the words you utter yourself. (To the words that you send in the messages to the other boys…I’ve seen them all. The ones that made me upset and the ones that made me smile.)  See that I am amazing, that I do everything for you. Don’t you want an easy life? To know every single day that you wake up that there is going to be someone that loves you no matter how much hair is or isn’t on your head.  To know that you have someone that other people ask out and they turn down even when you weren’t officially together? To know that you have someone that would walk through fire for you, someone that wants to see you happy, someone that wants you to get the job you want …and hmm has been helping along the way.  Is it crazy of me to think that people actually want to be loved for the rest of their lives? to know that they have someone to come home to that will willingly make sure dinner is on the table and everything is how they like. that their clothes are ready for the next day, everything and anything. A house and a life fit and laid out for a king. You never fully ever left my life. There was always a part of you somewhere. You never fully erased our line, you would continue to walk it from time to time. And that gave me false hope that I wasn’t loving someone that was incapable of loving me. But you didn’t love me and you never would. 

I wish I had the balls to tell you how much I want to hate you, how much I want to knock you to the pavement and yell at you to get a fucking grip! Do you want to know what I think about you? i think you’re a whore that has no remorse. Go ahead and hate me, delete me from whatever you still have me on if you haven’t already. I’ll still sit here and love you. But hate me, ignore me.. I should be used it it. Ill still cry. I can’t get used to being ignored by the man that I love, I can’t get used to watching him fuck another girl this night and another girl the next night. I cant get used to watching the man I love love another girl while i’m loving him. I want to tell you i hate you, you made me bitter, you made me afraid. But I love you so I can’t do that. I can sit here and cry for oh what? the one millionth time? Probably. You’d think by now I wouldn’t have any more tears to shed. But boy do they flow. 

For so long you dragged me along with your I miss yous and I care about yous. I wish you wouldn’t have told me you still had feelings because my feelings were always stronger. And idk maybe I saw you as something I needed to love, something I needed to help. You came back time after time because you knew my love was something different something that no one was ever going to give you and maybe you were afraid to lose that forever. 

I wish you didn’t live your life with a different girl in your bed every week. I wish you were the man that I thought you were. The man I thought I had met back then. 

But here I sit, a broken girl. A scared, small, alone, broken girl.

I hope you see that you broke the girl that loved you through everything she shouldn’t have, the girl that loved you no matter what. The girl that waited.. and waited for the man she loved to turn around and sweep her off her feet. You broke the girl that put up with everything just for a small chance to see you. I hope every girl you picked over me was everything you were looking for in that moment in time. 

I’ll still dream of the day we argue or just talk and I think that’s it and then you show up at my door. I’ll dream of that day and fall in love all over again with that thought… because I wish just once you would do something like that. I never asked you for anything and Im asking for that and I can’t even get that

I hope whoever you choose to share your bed and life with is a great choice. I hope they love you dearly, and they never hurt you. I hope they tell you every day how strong and amazing you are as a person. I hope they make you see life isn’t so bad, people aren’t always annoying and things get better. I hope she is someone you can cuddle up to during the winter and complain how sticky it is to sleep close in the summer. 

I hope when she looks at your blue eyes she sees that beautiful man that she has standing in front of her. And I hope the thought of losing you puts a pit so deep in her stomach. I hope she knows not to make any mistakes, to hold you tight to love you with every fiber of her being. I hope she sees the scar above your eye and brushes it gently..as a reminder, superman isn’t always invincible. 

I’m laying on the couch and i’m restless yet so exhausted. Yesterday, March 14 at 5:09pm my ex boyfriends mother passed away. I was so incredibly close to her, we spoke almost every day. I could tell her anything, and I did. She knows things about me that my own family doesn’t even know. I love her. 

I was asked to come up to see her son and spend time with him. Only for him to decide he was going to have his friends stay with him. I drove two hours to spend an hour with him and his sister only to have my heartbroken and leave. 

I still love him, he is my first honest love and I will always love him. I don’t know if what everyone says.. that he is confused and in denial is true. Or, that he just says he still cares and wants me in his life just because he knows i love him still. His mom would have liked for us to be together last night… instead I drove home crying.

Why is life unfair? I lost an amazing friend and an amazing second mother. I have never felt so alone, I’m not allowed to have the man I love and now I’m not allowed to have the woman who made me feel like I had a purpose and I wasn’t crazy for still loving her son. 

I’m broken more than ever.

Rest easy Misty, I love you. 

If he will let me, I will do my best to help Andrew. 

I miss you already. 

“I’m definitely pro-selfie. I think that anybody who’s anti-selfie is really just a hater. Because, truthfully, why shouldn’t people take pictures of themselves? When I’m on Instagram and I see that somebody took a picture of themselves, I’m like, ‘Thank you.’ I don’t need to see a picture of the sky, the trees, plants. There’s only one you. I could Google image search ‘the sky’ and I would probably see beautiful images to knock my socks off. But I can’t Google, you know, ‘What does my friend look like today?’ For you to be able to take a picture of yourself that you feel good enough about to share with the world – I think that’s a great thing.”

—   

Ezra Koenig  (via cultivate-solitude)

Oh how I love this, because everyone knows I love a good selfie all the time!

(Source: reti-cent, via sereneyogivibes)

Things take a funny turn. 

The texts, the calls, your dreams all tell you you’re missing me honey. I could have told you that would have happened.

You’ll never find a love like mine, a woman like me. 

;) 

Finally I am free, finally I am happy again.

It’s funny how still, to this day, you think I don’t know about all the girls. It’s funny how paranoid you have been for the last year. Worried I might actually call you out to the other girls? Oh honey, don’t play that game. I’m sure they will find out soon enough how you are, we all do. 

And that’s not to say we don’t miss you because, I do. I care and love you but I don’t need you.

I’ve walked away and I can honestly say, I have never felt happier at this moment than I have in the last two years. I can’t even being to explain darling what it was like to be in this relationship with you. However, I will tell you, had we been reversed and you had to be in my shoes… ohhh soldier you would have never lasted and I mean never babe. 

All this heartbreak, all this pain has made me stronger, and it’s beautiful to feel happy right now because, even a small tiny ounce of happiness feels oh so amazingly amazing because of all the pain and dark days i’ve felt these last two years.

Now, it wasn’t all pain and suffering but it wasn’t sugar sweet by any means.

You my love, have a lot of growing up to do in so many different ways. And I hope you do. :) :* 

I’m getting there! :) 

(Source: cdxxblazeit, via lechatcosmique)

Story of my life.